Often times it may be difficult or awkward to talk about race with people you’ve never brought up the subject with before. This includes your family, friends, or even acquaintances. Many people get defensive and don’t want to seriously talk about race because they misunderstand the definition of racism. Racism goes beyond individual acts of discrimination and prejudice against people because of their skin color. There are systematic, institutionalized aspects of racism that are perpetuated both consciously and unconsciously by white people. This refusal to see beyond the mainstream definition of racism is what allows so many people to find themselves exempt from partaking in a culture of oppression.
For the sake of having a diverse and complete perspective, it is important to talk about and learn about race from a variety of sources coming from people of color. Here are some of the do’s, the don’ts, and how tos when talking about race with the people around you.
DONT: Ask Your Black Friends to Educate You
Despite what you may think, it is not your black friends’ job to educate you about racism. Racism has deep roots in this country and has caused severe trauma for millions of Americans over generations. Asking your black friends or coworkers to explain racism to you is asking them to condense every moment of pain, every microaggression, every instance of fear and anger they’ve experienced in their lives in a way that is easily and quickly consumable for you. Anti-racism work doesn’t rest solely on the shoulders of those who experience it day in, day out, but primarily on the people who have allowed the system to continue. Anti-racism work is hard, and the emotional labor that is required to explain racism is exhausting. There are so many resources already available that were created by people of color to turn to before approaching your black friends about race. And through your consumption of these works, you are supporting the labor already done by experts.
DO: Educate Yourself
Many people don’t know the history of racism or activism in this country because it is not taught to us in school. However, the shortcomings of our education system are not a reason you should stop striving to educate yourself. Ignorance is not bliss, it is a privilege, especially when it comes to choosing whether or not to educate yourself on racism. Luckily, much of what’s happening right now and in the past can be easily googled. Elevate the voices of the black community and people of color by reading media (i.e. podcasts, books, movies, articles) created by them. Reform Revolution Project’s mission is to be a platform where knowledge and resources are shared, so check out our recommended media for other resources. It is your responsibility to make educating yourself on racism a lifelong process.
DO: Share Your Knowledge
Encourage conversations with your other non-black friends, family members or coworkers as you continue through your personal learning process. Sharing what you know with people who are not already engaging in the movement is especially important and is something you can do with your privilege to create change, even if it’s just one person at a time. Talk to that friend who made a prejudiced comment a while ago. Talk to the liberal friends who think voting democrat once a year is enough. To the family members that you never discuss race with. To your non-Black friends who still say the n-word. To anyone you’re close to, even if you don’t think they are prejudiced. Part of the learning process - and part of being actively antiracist - is the ability to educate others!
HOW TO: Lead A Conversation
There are many ways in which you can begin a conversation about race with someone but here are a few tips. Start off your conversation by stating shared values, be it justice, equality, opportunity, or community. Use this as a bridge to talk about racial inequalities and potential solutions. It’s important that you’ve engaged in some form of self-education if you want to have a conversation. Spreading misinformation is not part of a healthy conversation and may hinder what you want to achieve in your discussion with someone else.
Consider who you are talking to and what you want them to take away from the conversation. What and how do they think now? Who do they listen to and what media do they consume? Going in, think about the counter narratives they may subscribe to and how you will respond. During your conversation, it’s a good idea to demonstrate cause and effect. For example, the prison industrial complex is a remnant of a system to legalize slavery during and post reconstruction. You should also focus on describing how bias and discrimination affects us all and how equal opportunities benefit everyone, as people are more likely to support change if they can see it also helping them. By the end of the conversation, it’s always a good idea to address potential solutions or actions people can take.
HOW TO: Respond to Casual and Biggotted Comments
Sometimes I’m sure it feels like it doesn’t matter how many articles you read with tips for talking to family or friends who make racist comments, the conversation never gets easier. The hard truth is that it’s not supposed to be easy or comfortable. The article, Speak Up!, by Teaching Tolerance suggests helpful tips on how you can respond and hopefully educate the people around you. Here are some ideas:
Approach as a friend or loved one and explain why their comment offended you.
Respond with silence, let them feel uncomfortable and when they ask “What’s up?” you can describe their comment from your point of view.
Talk about your differences. “We’ve never really talked about race before, I’d like to do that now.”
No matter how much you prep, you can expect the conversation to still be difficult. It’s important to keep in mind that these tips are not the perfect formula for a successful conversation. Discussions with people can be messy and chaotic, but still end productively. Regardless, they are important conversations to have and necessary if we are going to keep the conversation open, the momentum going, and hopefully create change.
HOW TO: Talk To Your Black Friends/Friends of Color
Even though you shouldn’t be asking your black friends to educate you on the entire history of racism or easily google-able current events, that doesn’t mean you shouldn't reach out to them at all. If current events are affecting their community, you can let them know you care with a quick, “I’m thinking of you and I’m here if you need anything.” If you think they may need a listening ear, or even a momentary distraction, you can try “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “What would you like to talk about or not talk about today?”. Avoid saying “I can’t believe it,” as this basically admits to a willful refusal to see the racism that occurs in the US and has been occurring for generations. When you are talking to your friends of color, be sure to ask first if they are open to having an honest conversation about race relations and what is going on in this country, but only after you’ve already put in the work to learn.
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